I don’t know what I’m doing, but I have to do this.

I have spent a long time feeling that I’m not ‘creative’.  You see, I like rules, I like things to have boundaries, I like knowing what to expect… but in saying that I also like to push against all of these things in other people…  I don’t even know what I think anymore.

I do know that I was created to write.

I don’t know why, or who for, or if any of it will matter, but I know that it will matter to me (spoken like a true creative… “Guuuuuuys!! I just have to do this for myself, guuuys!”).

I know that when I am not making time to, that I feel like I’ve let a little of my purpose grow limp.  My life is full, I sometimes don’t know how, or when to make the time.  I don’t write well in the evenings.

I am fussy, I want every effort to be amazing.  I wish I cared less about every piece of writing I put out.  I want to apologise for every sentence that could have been better, for every story that didn’t have the right arc.  I want the world to read it, and I don’t want anybody to.  I want to hear all of your feedback, and I want to put my fingers in both ears and scream at you not to tell me.  I wish it wasn’t so torturous.

But it is.
And I am.
And I just have to deal.

(I am also fluidly selective in my adherence to punctuational and structural rules, and I don’t give a rats’ about it)

I feel like the era of the Blog is fading, and I also don’t feel like that matters.  Any writing I do is practice, is honing a skill that will be better with use.  It actually doesn’t matter whether nobody ever sees it.  I will be sharpening my instrument.

I write best about what is burning me up inside, and right now that would be the fostering journey that we are on as a family.  I’m not allowed to write about this.  At least not publicly.  What am I going to do with it?  I want to create a history.  I want to help other people on their fostering journey.  Ugh.  Confidentiality agreements and I are not easy bed-fellows.  I am learning so much.  Wish I could blog about it.

This quote has been stuck to my fridge for maybe a couple of years now.  I whole-heartedly believe it.  I know that I will be better, even if my weekly output makes me cringe and apologise.  I want to be this disciplined, for my own sanity.

Ira Glass Quote

I plan to give it a serious go this time.  There will be tantrums.  They will be at home.  Sorry Ramon.

I may not post publicly once a week, but I will be writing something.  I have to write, to process this foster-mum stuff, but you won’t be seeing that.  Sometimes I am fleshing out controversial ideas I have about a variety of topics.  You won’t see those either, I’m too scared of all of you.  Sometimes I will have something to write that is perfectly publicly acceptable, perfectly tolerable for general audiences.  You’ll see those.  I apologise about both the infrequency and potential mediocrity of them in advance.  I’m going to do it anyway.

I have to do this.

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