First Surgical Assist

I wrote this August 2016, but never published it

I thought maybe I wanted to nurse,
I paused and considered the poo and vomit though…
And then thought that maybe I didn’t.
I don’t want to see that
I just wanted to be there when they open up torso’s
I want to watch.
Just let me be there.
Let me see how it works while you’re living.
I found out you can do that as a nurse,
First Surgical Assist
and my soul lit up

Let me be in cardiothoracic
Just let me hold hearts
Still beating

Life got hectic
In so many ways
Not bad ways,
just full.

I’ve had this sense for a while now,
that I don’t get to study,
that there’s no time for me to follow this thread
that I don’t get to watch them crack open chests.
A piece of me sighs with that knowledge.

I’m ok,
truly deeply ok.
I’ve resolved to suck the marrow from wherever I find myself.

I asked God this week to show me,
to remind me,
why it is, that I’m doing what I’m doing right now.
In this time
Of all of the places

And then I find myself,
In the dark,
On the phone,
Walking through the mess of someone else’s broken,
For the second time that day
And I’m stunned
And honoured
And awake
As I look up, and realise…

You’re letting me
Hold
Hearts

 

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